Wednesday, May 16, 2018
‘The Opposition’ Lends Trump a ‘Freelance Fixer’ to Replace Michael Cohen (Video)
On Tuesday’s episode of “The Opposition,” Jordan Klepper proposed a solution for President Trump as Michael Cohen battles legal issues of his own: let Trump borrow the show’s own “freelance fixer.”
“People of wealth have a lot of lawyers. But sometimes they need a special kind of lawyer who knows the law, but doesn’t necessarily respect it,” said Klepper. He then offered the services of “Opposition” correspondent Tim Baltz to fix “Trump’s wink-wink nudge-nudge ‘problems.’”
Baltz named three threats facing the president, and how he could fix them. First up, Rachel Crooks, a woman who accused Trump of sexually inappropriate behavior in 2005, and is now running for a seat in the Ohio state legislature.
“To fix this, a normal lawyer would do something like sue for a recount,” said Klepper.
“Probably,” said Baltz. “But guys like me and Cohen aren’t normal lawyers. We fix things like fixers do. So I hit up every Skyline Chili in her voting district and bully voters into writing in another candidate.” (Ohio’s own Drew Carey, if you’re wondering.)
Next problem: teachers. Especially the teacher who visited the White House and gave Trump letters from her refugee students.
“You gotta think like a lawyer who gets paid in cash,” said Baltz. “I would write her pathetic teacher’s salary on a piece of paper, then find her car in a parking lot and stick the paper on her windshield,” said Baltz. Then, Baltz added, “I’d fill her has tank with concrete. She’ll never be able to afford the repair on a teacher’s salary.”
Finally, Baltz noted that according to Stormy Daniels, Trump hates sharks. So “I turned one of those killer fish into my new sharkskin Speedo.” At which point he stood up revealing, yes, what looked like a sharkskin Speedo.
Watch the whole clip above.